Is Mommy Going to Die or Not?

I have been miserably sick for about a week and a half now with some sort of cold/flu, but there's gotta be some sort of infection going on somewhere in my body to make me feel the way I have been feeling. Anyway, over this past weekend I mostly stayed in bed and rested and watched conference. At one point the kids came in my room and were playing around and I started moaning and groaning because I felt so rotten- mostly to get their attention so they would realize I felt like crap and they needed to leave me alone to rest. Cade asked me what was wrong and I told him I was so sick I was gonna die. His so serious reply to that was: "Mom you never died in the hospital and you stayed there a long time to die." Oh my gosh! What the heck kid!?

Let me record a few things in regards to that statement. First off, I remember when I had been in the first hospital just a short time- maybe in the first week or two- the kids were visiting and Cade was at the foot of my hospital bed kind of crouching down on the ground. Every few seconds or so he would pop up and smile at me. Then every time he popped up he would say a word. This is what he said: "When...are...you...going...to...die?" Will and I quickly realized that we needed to talk to our children and reassure them that Mommy was going to be ok. We explained that the baby would probably not be able to live with us on earth but that Heavenly Father would take care of her until we could be with her again. So this would kind of prepare them for what was to come as far as the baby was concerned (thankfully this didn't happen as Heavenly Father allowed us to miraculously have Cloee with us on earth). We also told them that Mommy was just in the hospital to try to help the baby get bigger and stay in my tummy longer, it wasn't because Mommy was sick or hurt. The kids seemed more concerned with me at that point than the baby- I was obviously more real to them than the baby was at that time, which made me feel good. Each time they would visit me we had to reassure them that I was ok and then it became so redundant that they must have figured "she hasn't died yet so I guess she's not going to!".

A few weeks ago while Cloee and I were walking Cade home from the bus stop after he got out of school Cade was riding on Cloee's stroller and kissing on her- like he does EVERY single day- he removed his lips from her sweet little cheek and looked up at me and asked me: "Why didn't you die when you were in the hospital?" Where was his mind at that point? I was caught so off guard I didn't know what to say at first. That entire afternoon I couldn't stop thinking about his comment. Is he insecure because of what he saw when he visited me at the hospital? For the first few weeks I had tubes and lines all over and wasn't allowed to get out of bed, except to go to the bathroom, and that was quite scary to Carlee and Cade. Will my children ever forget the hell they were put through to have their mommy, their comforter, their protector, taken from them for nearly 10 weeks? This thought has been haunting me.

When I was on bed rest at home Cade was my great sidekick. He got me snacks, he refilled my water, he changed the DVD's, he was my super big helper. When I had morning sickness and was throwing up he would be right next to me to help in whatever way he could. He even slept with me on the mattress that was in the middle of the living room floor for 11 weeks! He was with me day and night making sure I was gonna be ok. I worried during this entire time that my children would always remember me laying on that stupid mattress, with my hair scattered about, no makeup on, and wearing pajama's. Apparently I worried for no reason at all because Cade has very little recollection of that time and Carlee was gone at school and doing her own thing most of the time so she wasn't around nearly as much as Cade. What they remember the most was me at the hospital. Lately Carlee has been having these crying fits where she says she is so worried something will happen to me. Is this because of the events of nearly a year ago?

These are just a few of the many things that haunt me and are often on my mind. I have to just realize that things turned out so perfectly and we have been blessed with such a miracle (that almost 100% of others in our situation haven't been blessed with). Cloee is so wonderful and it was all so worth it. It is my daily prayer that we will recover from the great heartache and pains that we endured for what seemed like so long, especially the heartache and pains of my children.